Thursday, January 31, 2013

How I Spent My Christmas Vacation: The Great Alien Mayapocalypse of 2012

 Hi Y'all!

view of impending doom from my mom's balcony
Over the holidays, I traveled to ground zero of the end times, Lake Atitlan in Guatemala.
Those of you who know me well know that I adore all things alien and/or apocalyptical - movies, books, conversations, but especially Actual Real-Life Apocalypses.
Plus my mom lives right on the lake, so I had a front row seat to what I was hoping would be the spectacle to end all spectacles.

The next village over from my mom's is a place called San Marcos. It is overrun by a serious contingent of new age types who for years have been busily sleeping under pyramids, consuming a rainbow of psychedelics, drinking stinky herbal tea, channelling, crystal-gazing, proselytizing on various esoteric subjects, and waiting for the mother ship to arrive.

And now the end was nigh!
Oh, the excitement!
The anticipation!
The sheer entertainment value!

So with all this super-hoo-hoo-hippie-hype, plus my own intrinsic love of the odd and unlikely, I was really hoping that the much-rumored Crystal Alien Spaceship would rise up from depths of the Sacred Lake and invite me on board.

Wouldn't that be something.

And, not wanting to deprive my own tribe of the possibility of interstellar travel, I had magnanimously offered to swing by in said spaceship to pick up my friends in Austin for the great exodus.

Now THAT's what I would call a proper apocalypse.

But, alas, the universe had other plans.

 Here's what actually happened:

  • The wind blew really really hard.
  • A bunch of people (including yours truly) threw a bunch of candles into a big fire while chanting in Quiche Maya and other, less obscure, tongues.
  • Most yoga classes were cancelled due to the end of the world.
  • There was plenty of restaurant seating because the bulk of the gringo population were in the wilderness doing ceremony.
  • A volcano erupted (which is not nearly as dramatic as it sounds, since Lake Atitlan (and most of Guatemala, for that matter) is ringed by volcanoes).

Some of my friends came outside and waited for me at the appointed time, then went about their business when I didn't show.

I was in bed asleep by 10:30.

Stupid Lame Apocalypse.

So now we are in day 39 of the new cycle. In another 5000 or so years, the end will again be nigh.

And next time, there had better be a damn spaceship.

peace out,


  1. Darn it, and I bought new shoes to wear on my space adventure. What am I supposed to do with them for the next 5000 years?!

  2. The alien spaceship resembled nothing so much as a used Gallo beer refrigerator. The crew repeatedly tried to communicate by modulating the frequency of the blower fan, but the gringos just kept fixing it, or pulling the plug. In the end it was all one giant Farkle.

    1. Hey, you're right! Dang, we really Farkled it up this time!

  3. I dunno about you guys, but I actually made contact and am writing to you from an alternate universe! Surprised? I know, right? There is a double called Lakshmi on Earth right now. She's very good at experiencing and expressing things just the way I would. She might require a hug now and then, being left behind and all. As for me, I teleported up the vibrational chute of Phutureprmitive's "Center of Gravity"...aptly named I might add. Who, dub step has more dimensions than you could imagine. Although there is a bit of a side effect where I am like, talking like a valley girl now for some most awesome reason...that I dunno. I actually connect with you guys in a really vibrational sorta way whenever you come together for a rave. Dub step...the portal to other worlds. You just had to be like, resonating in a certain vibe to catch this ship. And you know...the first words I said when I looked inside? "My God! It's full of D J's!" Well...I'm not boardin' no ship that doesn't have dancing! Okay homey's...gotta go now. Tunes are poppin' and people are hoppin! (hmmm...'nother colloquialism shift) This anti gravity thing sure does wonders for my knees! Party on Earth bros and sisters! And give Lakshmi some big love on Super Bowl Day! Yo, bitch. It's gettin' hot in molecules are acting weird! Hey! ....WTF? Bye!!!!

  4. Elvis! Elvis is here! Okay. Bye.

  5. Jean-Marie Dwyer, You just absolutely rock. This is clear.

  6. And all those white sheets for naught. You did promise to invite me aboard, right?
    Hasta la proxima vez......y feliz 13 bak'tun
    Muchos abrazos......

  7. When I was a lad, some real hippies (another discussion on what they are) had seen in the media that several psychics predicted, along with "famous" geologists, that there would be a massive 'quake along the San Andres fault line. They even knew where it would be the most intense. These real hippies couldn't imagine missing it, so they took a lot of shovel and pick axes to the site and tried to help the fault split apart and one side slide into the ocean.

  8. I was one of the 1000's who tried to circle the Pentagon and levitate it (the goal was 2 feet high). That was a Yippie thing, the cerebral punks of hippiedom. Needless to say, the soldiers (!) made it so we couldn't circle the building, and corralled us into the parking lot right in front of the entrance (yeah, military architecture doesn't account for grand entrances)and the best we got to do was piss on the building. I wonder if all the guys doing it there etched the granite...