Saturday, October 30, 2010

Floppy Necks are People, Too!

Hello, friends!

It's been 3 weeks since my last confession.

I have been avoiding electronic devices in an almost plague-like manner, stopped taking pictures, and started having pure, unadulterated experience.

It's been nice.

However, as I am about to head to Laos and hop on a rickety wooden boat to float down the Mighty (flooding) Mekong river, I figure I'd better post while the posting's good.

I just got out of an 8-day silent meditation retreat at Wat Rampoeng, on top of a mountain outside of Chiang Mai. I spent my days walking reeeeeeeeeeeeaaaaaaaaaaaaaallllllllly rrrrrrrrrrrreeeeeeeeeeeeeaaaaaaaaaaalllllllllllllyyyyyyyyyyyy slowly then sitting down and closing my eyes for extended periods of time.

It ain't so easy as it sounds, yo!

Here are a few haikus I wrote before I went off the pen (and thanks to all y'all who responded in kind!).

Blingy Blingy Wat
Golden-Jeweled Dragons guarding
the gate to Shinesville

Floppy Neck Karen
When Long Neck Karen
removes gold coils she becomes
Floppy Neck Karen

Eating Bugs
The bamboo larva
doesn't squirt juice in my mouth
like stir-fried silk worms

Faulty Logic
If all pies have fruit,
And chiken pot pie exists,
Chicken Pot's a fruit!

Sex Dream
Last night I had an 
inappropriate sex dream
about someone's dad

More Dubious Wisdom from Gypsy Grandma
Crystals Activate!
Atlantis rises 10.10.

Bangkok Fish Market
Wading in fish juice.
Doomed frogs half-heartedly hop,
bound by plastic bins

Skinned rat carcass beams
from Ayuttaya food stall...
gustatory bliss?

And now for something (sort of) completely different:


I had a really fucked up dream the other night while I was at the monastery. You're not allowed to read, write, talk, or otherwise distract yourself, so the subconscious goes ape-shit!
I would change the names to protect the innocent/guilty/myself, but ain't gonna. Ha!

So I'm in an auditorium, on the stage with my mom and there's a bunch of people seated in the audience, like maybe 50 or 75. My old boss strides up to me all smirky-like, and tells me that he has been advertising this event, and that said event is to be me talking about me for an hour or so. After sharing this news with me, he walks away.
I have been totally ambushed.
I have horrible stage fright, y'all - even speaking in front of 2 or 3 strangers scares the shit out of me, never mind a whole auditorium full of them.
I've got not choice but to forge ahead. I turn to my mom, who's still on stage with me, and eye-plead for her to HELP! me. She suggests that I start by asking the audience to say something about me so I have a jumping off place for an impromptu speech.
So I go up to the dais and gingerly make this request into the microphone.

Dead silence.

double fuck.

So I turn to her - you got me into this, now get me out! So she goes up to the dais and shares that she was hanging out with a couple of acquaintances of mine the other night, and that "they like her more than they think they do"!


-the end


I am scheduled for execution, along with another woman and two men. We are marched into the execution room, where four identical hopsital beds are lined up in a row, with four poison-filled IV bags next to them, waiting to be pumped into our veins.

Just before the injection of the needle, a phone rings. The 'you-just-got-yourself-a-pardon, partner' phone. So we all get up and go to the phone. It's for one of the men, who puts it to his ear, listens for a minute, hangs up, and says "I'm outta here, suckers!". He's been set free, won the stay-of-execution lottery.

The rest of us are not so fortunate.
We are marched back to our death beds.

I think about resisting, but I know it will do no good, will only agitate me, and I'd rather not be agitated and hysterical when I die, thank you. 

I am strapped into the bed, and wake up right before the needle hits my vein.

-the end

Welcome to my current subconscious.
All interpretations are both welcome and appreciated.
Man, I love dreams!

alrighty then - that's all for now!
love y'all, miss y'all, wish you were here, etc. etc. and so on...

xo xo xo xo

Tuesday, October 12, 2010

Haiku Frenzy!*

A couple of days ago, I had a sudden burst of haiku creativity. Therefore, here is my trip to date, boiled down to it's essential elements.

These four are from last month at Tassajara...

"Kitten in a Blender"
You make me feel like
a kitten in a blender.
Grind up, rinse, repeat.

"Wake-Up Bell"
Before breaking dawn,
DING! DING! DING! DING! sprints down path.
Stupid wake-up bell

"Fooky Promotion"
I am Fukuten
Wash this! Chop that! Umpon-woo!
Feed monks' appetites

 "Oh Shit this is gonna fuck my car up And How!"
 Out of the Valley
 cursing the dappled sunlight
skewing rock-rut view

"Greyhound Blowjob"
Young meth addicts meet
in the back of the Greyhound.
blowjob soon ensues...

And onward to thailand...
"Ode to Keens"
oh I love my Keens
homely red potato feet
 cushioning my world

"Dogs in Clothes"
Back here in Chiang Mai,
dogs still wearing clothes so as
not to be eaten.

"Monkeys Suck and Here's Why"
Lopburi monkeys
attack! Pineapple war zone!
Victory: Jingles

"Gypsy Grandma"
 Gypsy grandmother
waves magic crystal pen o'er
scooter-broken foot

"The Yucks"
Yucks flock to Siam
Dirty old men cruise Thai whores
to get their yucks sucked

"Talking Bones"
Gypsy grandma says:
heed the talking buddha bone
haunting Doi Suthep

Bone or no bone, I'm going to rock some white clothes and meditate for 10 days at the end of the month at Doi Suthep:

Meanwhile, after a week in Chiang Mai, Penny and I are heading up to Chiang Rai tomorrow to check out the scene and visit an orphanage up there, then bound for Pai.
Pai-ku will surely ensue.

Well, that about brings us up to date. Pics to follow just as soon as I figure out how the hell to use a computer...


*Apologies in advance to all you haiku "must-mention-the-seasons-in-every-poem" purists.